Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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