went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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