I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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