so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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