i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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