I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
