one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found the puke drawer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
