I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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