She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize