Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
