got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
