when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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