Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
