Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
