Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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