How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
