From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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