Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
