Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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