I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This baby is an asshole
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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