Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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