I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
