i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
