how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
