Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
