Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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