I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
