we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize