I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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