Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
