A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
