I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
