I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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