she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
