I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
