I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
