just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She needs sedatives and a leash
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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