Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
