one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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