Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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