I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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