...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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