I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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