New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
