I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
