If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Found the puke drawer
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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