My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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