I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
