sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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