Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
