i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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