WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
