i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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