If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
