It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just puked most of my soul out..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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