she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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