I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
