I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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