after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
