rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
