If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
