Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
