My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
